Struggle, Darkness & The Journey of Rediscovering Myself

A real-life experience — a story of pain, struggle, mental battles, and self-discovery.

As far back as my memories go, I have always found myself surrounded by an unknown and deep darkness. Since childhood, I was living in a mental and physical condition that I could never properly express in words. I only knew that something was terribly wrong, but I had no idea that this “wrong” even had a name.

The historic turning point of my life came when I was 16 years old. That year, for just 1 minute, I experienced something that changed everything.

For that one minute, I felt completely healthy — my mind was calm and my body felt light. That small moment lifted the curtain from years of blurry and painful memories.

That day, for the very first time, I realized that since childhood I had not been living in a normal condition, but under the grip of Depression and 5–6 serious chronic illnesses. I understood that my mind was “unfocused” and “frustrated.” That one minute of health became a blessing for me because it gave me the power to recognize the enemy I had to fight against. It was the first real recognition of my own condition.

9th Grade — When Childhood Ended

“9th grade — the age when children play carefree and dream about the future — became the time in my life when I started carrying the entire burden of my destiny on my tiny shoulders. Circumstances forced me to grow up so quickly that from school fees to every small and big necessity of life, I had to create my own path.”

I had no option other than struggle, so labor work became my only support. School clothes, shoes, books, notebooks, pencils and even the fare to travel to school — I earned everything myself.

But the challenge was not only financial; the real struggle was with my own body. Since childhood, malnutrition and 5–6 chronic illnesses had affected me so badly that my body would often give up.

Even while being sick, I had to manage doctor fees, medicine expenses, and hospital travel on my own. Many times, I would go to the hospital one day and return the next. During those nights, even the expenses for food, stay, and survival in the hospital were carried by this small child alone. In that difficult phase, I had no support and no guide. In those lonely moments of struggle, it was only me, my relentless hard work, and my God standing beside me.

The War Within

“The struggle was not only with the outside world, but also within me. Enduring severe depression, a frustrated and unfocused mind, 5–6 chronic illnesses, and malnutrition since childhood, there came a time when my energy level became almost zero.

There was barely enough strength left in my body to function normally. As a result, I spent most of my free time simply sleeping. That sleep was not peaceful — it was an attempt to escape heavy exhaustion and mental burden.

During that period, my mental condition became even more terrifying. I often found myself in a state where I felt “like a mad person” because I was completely alone in every possible way and was facing every situation entirely by myself.

My mind had gone completely out of my control. There was such noise and confusion in my thoughts that no matter how hard I tried, I could not calm it down. It was a horrifying feeling — on one side a body broken by illnesses, and on the other side an uncontrollable mind and depression.

I have spent more than 27 years of my life in this broken condition and poor health.

My condition was so bad that countless times I felt as if this might be the final moment of my life. The saddest part was that no one truly saw my condition or tried to understand it. No one paid attention to what I was going through. There was no one with whom I could share my pain, and no one willing to listen or stand beside me. I was completely alone with my condition. I felt trapped inside myself and entirely helpless, where every passing day pushed me deeper into darkness.

From Distraction to Discipline

“The circumstances of my life were such that there was no control over me; I was a child who had been left completely free. At an age when guidance is needed the most, I was entirely alone, and countless paths of distraction were open before me.

During that period, I too became involved in all those things usually associated with youth — attraction, sex, masturbation, and “romantic obsession.” I walked those paths and went through those experiences myself.

But soon, I managed to come out of that trap as well. My escape from those things was not a coincidence, but a conscious decision.

Deep inside me, there was a strong desire — to become something meaningful, to do something worthwhile, and to walk on the right path. I knew that if I remained trapped in those temporary pleasures, I would never be able to win the bigger battle I had to fight against my illnesses and circumstances.

I had every excuse and complete freedom to fall apart, yet I brought myself back into strict discipline. I gathered my energy away from distractions and focused it on finding “practical” solutions to my problems. The mental clarity I feel today exists because even after experiencing wrong deeply, I chose to value and follow what was right. I refused to surrender and become a slave to those distractions — instead, I chose to fight and win.

The Journey of Searching for Answers and Reaching the Truth

A story of struggle, questions, self-discovery, and finding real solutions.

After Knocking on Every Door...

"To find solutions to my problems, I knocked on every possible door. I met experts, visited counselors, went to temples, and went everywhere I had ever heard about—but every single time, I returned empty-handed.

The problem was that no one was truly able to understand the complexity of my condition. Some people focused only on treating my physical illnesses, while others only talked about stress.

—the combined attack of all these things on my life was beyond the understanding of any ordinary person or even most experts. Very few people could ever relate to experiencing all these problems together for such a long period of time.

Many people were able to 'see' my condition, but they could not truly 'feel' it.

I was unable to perform even the smallest and simplest tasks. If I speak honestly, even the easiest things required 50 times more effort from me compared to others, yet the results were still very limited.

The Questions That Had No Answers

That is when deep questions started rising inside my mind—questions whose answers I could not find anywhere:

I Didn’t Just Listen — I Experimented on Myself

I did not blindly believe what people said. Everyone was giving incomplete explanations. Even those who knew nothing acted like teachers, and those who knew something still could not truly understand me.

In the end, none of the advice from outside people actually worked for me.

So I began testing these questions in my own life and started asking myself—“What truly works, and what does not?” That is when I started conducting my own experiments.

That is why it took me a very long time to understand and learn each and every thing properly. I chose truth instead of blindly accepting whatever merely felt right to me.

Gradually, answers started revealing themselves one after another. I applied them in my own life and experienced their positive results. And slowly, every aspect of my life began improving far beyond what it had ever been before.

Studying Real Life

I studied the deeper realities of relationships and the everyday problems that silently steal our mental peace.

This was not book knowledge or borrowed advice from others—it was my own research into “what truly works in real life and what does not.”

I not only understood these experiences, but also applied them during the darkest and most negative phases of my life.

The solutions I have today are not empty assumptions—they are truths whose positive results I have personally experienced.

Where I Stand Today...

"Today, the place where I stand in life has come after a very long and difficult journey filled with struggle.

My greatest strength today is that I deeply understand the ‘what’ and ‘why’ behind everything happening in my life.

It is not a coincidence that circumstances are now moving in my favor; it is the result of the deep understanding I developed while fighting through my problems.