About Tushal: My Real Journey

About Tushal: My Real Journey Through Struggle, Illness, Loneliness and Self-Discovery

This is my real-life journey — a story of depression, malnutrition, chronic health struggles, loneliness, self-discovery, mental battles and a long search for clarity and understanding.

My First Awakening: When I Realized Something Was Wrong

As far back as my memories go, I always found myself surrounded by a strange and unknown darkness. Since childhood, I was living in a mental and physical condition that I could not explain in words. I only knew that something was deeply wrong, but I did not know that this “wrong” actually had a name.

A historic turning point in my life came when I was sixteen years old. That year, for just one minute, I experienced something that changed everything. For that one minute, I felt completely healthy — my mind was calm and my body felt light.

That brief moment lifted the veil from years of blurred and painful memories. For the first time, I realized that since childhood I had not been living in a normal condition, but had been trapped in depression, malnutrition and 5–6 serious chronic illnesses.

I understood that my mind had been unfocused and frustrated. That one minute of health became a blessing for me because it gave me the power to recognize the enemy I had to fight. It was my first real awareness of my own condition.

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The Struggle That Began in Ninth Grade

Ninth grade — the age when children usually play freely and dream about their future — became the time when I started carrying the burden of my destiny on my young shoulders. Circumstances forced me to grow up too early, and I had to find my own way for everything from school fees to the smallest needs of life.

I had no option except struggle, so labour became my only support. I earned for my school clothes, shoes, slippers, books, notebooks, pencils and even my school transportation expenses.

But the challenge was not only financial. The real struggle was with my own body. Since childhood, malnutrition and 5–6 chronic illnesses had affected me so deeply that my body often gave up.

Even while being ill, I had to manage doctor fees, medicine expenses and hospital travel by myself. Many times, I would go to the hospital one day and return the next day.

Spending nights alone in the hospital, managing food, stay and other expenses — all of this was being handled by that small child. During that difficult time, I had no support and no guide.

In those lonely moments of struggle, there was only me, my unbroken hard work and my faith in God.

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Living with Depression, Illness and Loneliness

The struggle was not only with the outside world. A war was also going on inside me. Since childhood, while facing severe depression, a frustrated and unfocused mind, 5–6 chronic illnesses and malnutrition, a time came when my energy level became almost zero.

There was not enough strength left in my body to function normally. As a result, I spent most of my free time sleeping. That sleep was not peaceful rest; it was an attempt to escape heavy exhaustion and mental burden.

During that period, my mental condition became even more frightening. I often found myself in a state where I felt almost mentally out of control, because I was completely alone in every way and had to face every situation by myself.

My mind had completely gone out of my control. There was such noise and confusion in my thoughts that I could not calm them even when I wanted to.

The feeling was terrifying — on one side, a body broken by illnesses; on the other side, an uncontrolled mind and depression.

I spent more than twenty-seven years of my life with this poor health and broken condition. My health used to be so bad that countless times I felt that perhaps this was the final moment of my life.

The painful part was that neither did anyone truly see my condition, nor did anyone try to understand it. There was no one to whom I could explain my state, and no one to listen or stand beside me.

I was completely alone with my condition. I felt trapped within myself and completely helpless, as every passing day pushed me deeper into darkness.

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Distractions, Discipline and Choosing the Right Path

The circumstances of my life were such that there was no control over me. I was a child who had been left almost completely free. At an age when guidance is needed the most, I was completely alone, and countless paths of distraction were open before me.

During that time, I also became involved in the kinds of things that are often associated with youth. Attraction, sex, masturbation and romantic attachment — I too walked through those paths and experienced them.

But I soon came out of that trap. Coming out of those things was not an accident; it was a conscious decision.

There was a strong hunger within me — to become something, to do something meaningful and to walk on the right path. I knew that if I remained trapped in temporary pleasures, I would never win the bigger battle I had to fight against my illnesses and circumstances.

I had every excuse to go wrong and complete freedom to fall, yet I brought myself back into strict discipline. I gathered my energy from distractions and directed it toward finding practical solutions to my problems.

The mental clarity I feel today exists because, after deeply experiencing the wrong path, I chose what was right. I did not accept becoming a slave to those distractions; I chose to fight and win.

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When No One Had the Answers

To find solutions to my problems, I knocked on every possible door. I met experts and advisors, but almost every time I returned empty-handed.

The problem was that no one was able to fully understand the complexity of my situation. Some were only treating my physical illnesses, while others were only talking about stress.

But 5–6 chronic illnesses, deep depression, malnutrition, a completely uncontrolled mind and total loneliness — the combined impact of all these things on me was not easy for any ordinary person or expert to understand.

Many people could see my condition, but they could not feel it. I could not even do the smallest and simplest tasks properly. Even for simple work, I had to put in many times more effort than others, yet the results were still very limited.

This is where deep questions began to rise in my mind — questions whose answers I could not find anywhere.

Does God really exist? If He exists, why does He not take me out of this situation? Is everything already decided?

Does destiny really exist? Do temples, worship, rituals or black magic have real power, or is it all a game of fear and belief?

How can confidence and fear exist together? What is the practical use of spirituality in real life? How does the mind actually work?

I did not blindly believe anyone’s words. Everyone was giving incomplete explanations. Those who knew nothing were also giving advice, and those who knew something could not understand my situation.

Finally, I decided that I would have to find my answers myself.

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My Experiments, My Search and My Answers

I did not accept anyone’s words as the final truth. I turned my own life into my laboratory. The questions whose answers I could not find anywhere, I began testing them in my own life.

I asked myself — “What truly works and what does not?” This one question kept me on the path of search for years.

It took me a very long time to understand each and every thing. I did not accept something as truth just because it felt right to me; I accepted what actually produced results.

Gradually, I began receiving one answer after another. I applied them in my life and saw positive results. Over time, almost every important area of my life started improving.

I deeply studied relationships, mental peace, emotional struggles, confidence, fear and the everyday problems that steal people’s happiness.

This was not knowledge learned from books, nor was it something heard from others. It was my own research into what works and what does not in real life.

I did not merely read these understandings; I applied them in the most difficult and negative circumstances of my own life. Today, the conclusions and solutions I have are not mere assumptions; they are experiences whose positive results I have seen myself.

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Where I Stand Today

Today, where I stand in life, I reached here after a long, difficult and struggle-filled journey.

My greatest strength is that today, whatever happens in my life, I understand the “what” and “why” behind it much more deeply than before.

It is not a coincidence that circumstances are now more in my favour. It is the result of the understanding I developed while fighting my problems.

Often people speak only from opinions, but what I have is understanding gained from experience. I have received real results from my hard work, experiments and years of search.

I do not merely talk about the future; I am living the changes in the present that I struggled for years to achieve.

I have learned that no matter how big a problem is, if it is identified correctly, a solution can be found.

Today, I have within me the same stability and clarity that I searched for during many years of struggle.

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